The happy trio

So everything is okay, adding Jay into the mix has not screwed anything up (so far anyway). I'm happy to say I have had sex with Jay another time. He was a little gentler, which I liked. I think we have great sex, but I'm relieved because there is no emotional bond. Jay doesn't really have a personality that is compatible to mine. I think he feels the same way-I think he likes woman that don't talk as much as me. But I guess as long as we keep having fun in bed this little clash doesn't really matter. His body is the only turn on. So, this is a good thing, because I don't need to worry about falling for him and it effecting everything I have with Mark and Laura.

Laura and I have been doing really well. We went out the other night on a date. This was a major step for me. I'm a little paranoid about people knowing/thinking I'm a lesbian. I guess I am, but its still a label that makes me uncomfortable. I never planned on being with another woman it just kind of happened. I also fear someone seeing me from my school/job/whatever. We have gone out in the past, but we mainly looked like friends. The other night we were kissing, holding hands, and I think it was obvious we were a couple. I don't know if I'm being more open and less private, or if its just because I feel bad that Laura is kind of kept hidden. Mark goes to all of my school functions and Laura is always introduced as a friend to people I don't know on a personal level. I don't think I'm necessarily scared about people knowing, but it is that underlying fear that I may lose my job (which isn't really a job yet) and my career. I've spoken to Laura and Mark about it before one night after we went out for dinner.

I do have a paranoid type personality. I tend to think of the worse possible outcomes and drive myself into some serious anxiety. I've been a lot better about keeping it in check for quite sometime (years really- since high school) but the other night when me and Laura came home I was really freaking out. We had a great time but then I think I realized how 'obvious' we had been and I started thinking of what people thought and what they assumed and how they must of thought we were sick. I know that I'm not, but the fact that some people might feel that way does hurt, and I guess that is why I have a tight-knit group of friends around me-to kind of keep me sheltered from all of those things. I mean my life is pretty surreal and not normal...

I don't know if this made sense. It doesn't really make sense to me. I had fun with Laura and we really are happy. I guess without realizing it, going out on a date was a big major step for me. Maybe I took it too soon. I guess in a way it kind of felt good to just enjoy Laura's company and each other without fearing anything... but when I got home it hit me really hard and I over thought everything. I should just relax!